Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in egcarroll's LiveJournal:

Friday, July 30th, 2004
10:28 pm	Brainflash! I think that, maybe, the key to happiness and feeling worthwhile is to become good at something. even really good at something, and then everything else falls into place. Money, love, family, power, spiritual growth, a well-rounded social calendar. So that would rule out being reasonably good at a job i don't like, wouldn't it? I feel very open to guidance at the moment. It would be the perfect time for a cult to pick me up. Maybe I shouldn't advertise that. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
11:28 pm	You mean... I'm not... popular? My "Social Entitity" quiz result: Category IV - The Musketeer You have a small, highly edited social group, and you like it that way. What Type of Social Entity are You? brought to you by Quizilla DISCLAIMER: While taking the quiz, I was assuming that it was OK to include imaginary friends. I am also wondering if anyone with a paid account can get me a list of users that were born after 1965? Not that I don't like or respect 20-somethings, i's just, well, so inappropriate to dish dirt with someone i could have given birth to. I hope you understand. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
10:30 pm	post-mid-life crisis ramblings just a breathless blurt about the latest addition to my ivory tower. (phallic symbol? what phallic symbol?) His name is Peter Ouspensky and, no, he isn't even cute. anyway, i have been reading that there are these various levels of will. Most of the time, our will is asleep. Then we go to adolescent will, which is when someone tells you to do something and you say, no, dammit, i won't! but this is still very low level. And then there is adult will, where you learn to negotiate, compromise and be diplomatic (especially with yourself) over what you want. And then we move towards real will and when i have a clue of what that is i will try to say something about it. on a personal note, my brother, sister and my sisters' two children were visiting me and my family here in italy for the past couple of weeks. when they left, i was both relieved to have them out and amazed at how lonely i am. obviously i should do something about it. but rather than make myself more comfortable by attempting to change my circumstances, i think it's more desirable at the moment to try to understand and change myself. this is kind of a long story. so i am focusing on understanding and developing this idea of Will. once i have risen to a certain level of ability in this, i will be more at peace with myself, my spouse, the world around me, all those annoying people who don't appreciate me, and and then i'll be able to anything i damn well please! yeah, that's the ticket! my husband says this is a phase. like phases are bad. anyway, we'll see how it goes. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 17th, 2004
11:22 am	First contact It irritates me that the little voice in my head keeps chattering away about English lesson preparations. (Tests are coming up.) Plus the chaos in my studio reflects the disorder of my mind like so much misplaced furniture and dusty folders. The book is not written and, more scary, I don't know if I can do it at all. Yoga will clear my mind, but do I want that? With knowledge comes responsibility (a therapist told me that, so it must be true). And with clarity, I would add, comes the ability to act. In my case, closely followed by the guilt of having not acted. Again. First contact. I am acutely aware of the possible personas I might be casting with these words. The little voice is warning me. - Don't sound too cynical. - Why not? - Because you know cynical people and you aren't like them. But don't sound too optimistic either, with all that breathless new age philosophy of yours. Optimists are either really dumb or hiding something. Everybody knows that. - Hiding what? - Secret despair. Everybody knows that. Oh, oh. The little voice has gone back to muttering about English lessons. It would be hard to trust anyone who did not allow themselves (my English book says we can say "themselves" now, instead of him/herself, the voice reminds me) an occasional bout with self pity, as long as they had the decency to feel ashamed afterwards. And that is how one defines a decent person, boys and girls, one who is capable of feeling ashamed afterwards. And then, following the logic, is a brave person one who has the capacity to feel fear? Ah, Captain Archer! Ah, Captain Janeway! Where would they bee with out their missions? Maybe cowardice is saying "Pass" to a mission. Fate presents the opportunity to "do", and you say "Pass on that. Maybe the next one." (Like Jung, I'll step back and except creative artists from the struggle to achieve, in that they are more or less possessed by spiritual drive to express, they have already achieved humanity. They need not worry about becoming human, because they are already touched by grace.) But does saying "Yes" to every request for help, or standing up to every petty lawbreaker or bully (the old lady who cuts in front of you in line at the coop, for example) constitute acceptance of a mission? Or is it just a way to "keep busy" while your time runs out? And all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire. (LOTR, 5:3) I have been keeping busy recently. If I listen to the accolades from students ("You're a great teacher! You make your students love English!") Or if I listen to my husband thanking me for making a little money, then I could feel content and proud of myself. Instead I feel drained and angry. But how can I justify sitting around writing unprofitably? Who knows what she spoke to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all her life seemed shrinking, and the walls of her bower closing in about her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? (LOTR, 5:8) Current Mood: optimistically bitter Current Music: Vaughan Williams, Fantasia of Greensleves (1 Comment |Comment on this)